What Resentment Teaches You

Dear Jane,

I’m so resentful I feel like I’m going to burst (or at least raise my blood pressure to dangerous levels). I don’t know what to do to let it go. Is there a process?

As much as I resent feeling resentment, I am learning to accept it as one of my greatest teachers. Every time I feel it (often dozens of times daily), I have a chance to examine it for what it really is: a disguised regret.

Here’s one brief example: I was cutting it close getting to an appointment and, sure enough, a driver pulled out in front of me and then drove ever so slowly. I found myself seething with resentment as each tenth of a mile passed. Although I didn’t scream or honk, I thought, “You idiot. You’re making me late. If it weren’t for you, I would have gotten there on time.”

While this may be true at one level, I am certainly not going to create inner or outer peace by justifying my resentment. So I forced myself to go deeper. If I trust that underneath my resentment for this driver is some regret, what could it be? In a surprising way, my regrets unfolded in layers from superficial to visceral. Here they are:

I regret making someone else late because of me.

I regret cutting things so close and feeling stressed.

I regret acting as though I’m not important enough to leave enough time for things in my life.

I regret believing I’m not important enough.

That last one struck me hardest—in my heart and gut. I was sad about it but relieved too. It is a relief to know that I can go from cussing out a stranger on the road to learning that I still need practice valuing myself more. It is a relief to know that the healing for resentment is always the same: Look for the deepest, truest regret, which will likely contain an old self-judgment. Forgive yourself for how you have treated yourself and/or others as a result of holding this self-judgment. Give yourself compassion.

Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, www.stopenduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.

She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, www.grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.

Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.