Tweaking Your Way to an Extraordinary Life

Dear Jane,

I’m intimidated by self-help books that make it sound as though I have to do everything different or even be a different person if I’m ever going to be happy. I have a family, I work, and I don’t want to think that being happy is yet another fulltime job. What tips have you got for me?

You’re up at 5:00 A.M. to fit in exercise before the phone begins ringing off the hook at the office. You are too busy scheduling and attending meetings to get through the stack of bills on your desk, which include a mortgage, a car payment (or two), orthodontics, college tuition, an equity loan, and several pleas from worthy nonprofits. It is your spouse’s birthday next week and you’ve just found out you have to be out of town on business (again). Yesterday’s emails, all marked “urgent,” still sit unopened in your inbox. You will skip lunch today to catch up. Oops! You forgot. You have a lunch meeting. Welcome to the new normal!

In the 1960s, the nation was told that within a very short time, the forty-hour work week would, like the dinosaur and the dodo bird, become extinct. This is exactly what happened; however, the prediction was that the American worker would have more leisure time. The reality is that today we work longer than forty hours, some of us logging in as much as double that. The question is, “How do you find balance between family, friends, community, personal inspiration, and leisure AND fulfill your career goals and responsibilities?”

We’ve all tried to cut down on our busy schedules. But for most of us, this is an exercise in futility. The bigger the change we contemplate, the more overwhelmed and anxious we become. So here is the one strategy you can employ that is guaranteed NOT to stress you out. It is the undervalued art of tweaking and it is based on the intriguing idea that sometimes the smallest adjustments yield the biggest results.

There are hundreds of relatively small things you can do that will make you feel more empowered, enlivened, and enriched. So take a breath, relax, and tweak away. Here are ten strategies to get you started:

1. Fix what irritates you. You may be skilled at listening to others’ complaints and solving problems. But like the cobbler whose children are barefoot, you may be putting yourself last. What bugs you? Do you have a laptop that chugs along? A cell phone with a ringer that isn’t loud enough? An e-mail program that doesn’t do what you need it to? It’s amazing how happy we can become from taking care of what annoys us. Splurge on that new, faster laptop. Investing in your satisfaction is always worthwhile. If you change what you can, you will be more able to let go of what can’t be changed.
2. Use the 80/20 Rule for everything. Have you heard of Alan Lakein’s time management maxim that 80% of results come from 20% of efforts. Look at where you’re getting the most results. Then see how you can tweak the places where your valuable time and energy are being used less productively. The first step is to assess your day. Where did you think you would spend time that day? What did you hope to get accomplished? Where did your time actually go? What could you tweak that would make a difference? For example, did you spend too much time answering e-mails? If so, make a decision to check e-mails on a scheduled basis. This will prevent you from getting caught up in the minutiae and help you stay focused on your priorities.
3. Examine how you procrastinate. Successful people aren’t perfect but they do look at themselves honestly. Look at your avoidance strategies: dusting the plant leaves, answering e-mail, making phone calls. Then figure out why you are procrastinating. Do you avoid projects that take a lot of time? Or ones that are complex? Or ones that you might be criticized for or even fail at? All of the above? Procrastination is a survival mechanism to avoid something we fear. Except that the fear tends to build the longer we procrastinate. To get out of this vicious cycle, know the situations that are most likely to trigger your procrastination. Then “chunk down” the project. For example, if you have a huge report to write, spend time each day doing something that will make the report easier to dive into. This can include gathering research, writing the introduction or conclusion first, creating PowerPoint slides or graphs—anything that keeps your toes in the water.
4. Let go of Sunk Costs. This is a psychological term for the ability to stop throwing good energy, time, and money after bad. We all hate admitting to ourselves that our time and energy have been wasted. You may be tempted to say, “I put three years into this relationship so I can’t quit now.” But what you should ask yourself is, “How likely is it that continuing with this relationship will give me what I want and deserve?” Don’t spend one more day doing something or being in a relationship that isn’t contributing to your life no matter how much more blood, sweat, and tears you pour into it.
5. Get help organizing. Most of us would love to pay our bills instantly online, buy postage over the internet rather than stand in line at the post office, and even order our groceries this way. Yet, most of us feel too overwhelmed to set up the systems that will make these conveniences possible. The more you get help making life more convenient, the less frustrated you will feel. Can’t bring someone to the office or into your home? Consider hiring a virtual assistant who can organize you from anywhere for whatever period of time you contract.
6. Participate in spiritual, community, and family activities. It is easy to lose perspective by getting caught up in the next make-it-or-break-it career move, the next degree, even the next load of laundry. But balance doesn’t come from plowing ahead in a vacuum. Volunteer and invite your family, even young children, to volunteer with you. This increases quality time as well as serves as a reminder that you are of value in a myriad of ways.
7. Take a 5 minute walk every day. This isn’t to jog or run an errand or to catch up on To Do list items. Just five minutes moving your body in fresh air, away from your office or chores, without electronic devices, is bound to reenergize you and give you a fresh perspective on some problem. Albert Einstein’s understanding of relativity came in a dream, once he pulled himself away from his laboratory. There is a power in just being rather than in continually doing.
8. Do something different. Read your newspaper’s weekly events section and try something you’ve never done before. If you have a family and you usually attend sports events together, mix it up with music, art, or nature. Doing something new will give all of you more to talk about.
9. Interview someone who seems to “have it all together.” The best advice comes from those who are living proof that something is possible. Look around to see who seems to be living the life that you aspire to. Ask that person to lunch and find out how they blend work, family, community, and leisure.
10. Write about your accomplishments as though you’re 80. No one wants their tombstone to read: Here lies ­­­­­_____ who completed everything on his/her To Do list. Ask yourself, “If I were gone tomorrow, what would people say about me? What would I want them to say about me?” If there is a discrepancy, use this to prioritize your schedule. Make a list of your goals and aspirations. Put this list someplace where you can’t ignore it, such as your bathroom mirror or on your dashboard. Tell someone what’s on your list. Committing to others helps us keep commitments to ourselves. Begin to do today what you want to be remembered for at 80.

If you balance external demands with internal aspirations, you will not necessarily be any less busy but you will be able to put your daily stresses in perspective and feel the satisfaction of a life well-lived. Feeling reconnected, rejuvenated, and rekindled aren’t bad outcomes for practicing a little tweaking, are they?

Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, www.stopenduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.

She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, www.grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.

Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.